NO UNTRUTH UNTOLD ™

SHOCKING

ATROMBONE major recently decided that after investing countless hours on Facebook playing Farmville, he wanted something to show for all his efforts. He switched from being a trombone music major to majoring in Farmville, a new field of study offered by the college.  

“I’ve even dropped my minor in math so I could focus exclusively on my new major,” the university student said cheerfully.  

He related a tiny bit of family history which could explain his impulsive change in careers.  

Years ago, his father was searching for the best auto insurance rates. He spent so much time reading policies, talking with insurance agents, watching TV ads and studying online articles that, after selecting the holy grail of policies, he concluded he needed to account for all this wasted time. So dear old Dad declared to the family one night over dinner, “I’ve invested so much in learning about this insurance stuff, I might as well sell this crap!” and he quit his job as a gondolier to become an insurance agent for a company with an annoying iconic talking mascot. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to making sudden drastic changes in a person’s choice of a livelihood.  

A college Dean stated that this was the sign of times to come in University programs.  

“After a vote at a local pub with most of the faculty on hand, it was officially decided to remove some of the less-popular courses from the curriculum in favor of those with more popular themes among young people such as Farmville,” said the Dean as he adjusted his tweed jacket and pipe.  

A professor, resting comfortable in his office wearing slippers, added, “We decided to make way for a Farmville major by reducing clutter in the program like math courses and physics. I mean, physics with the whole Big Bang Theory and all that, it’s been talked about to death and no one wants hear about it anymore. We are just so over talking about the Big Bang Theory. And it was so long ago, today’s student body simply can’t relate to it.” As for most of the history courses, the consensus among the group was that they are yesterday’s news and often don’t have a happy ending.  

“We have to consider the attention span of most students as we compete with movies and reality TV shows,” said the jazz professor, who suddenly began some exotic hand-clapping rhythm as he became totally distracted watching the cheerleaders rehearse outside his office window.  

When the reality sets in of the apparent uselessness of spending hours acquiring a skill for which society has no purpose – coupled with insurmountable student loans – the question becomes: how can a college degree in Farmville be used to earn a living?  

The college Dean is quick to answer, “That’s simple. A graduate with a degree in Farmville can get a job teaching!”  

When asked what college courses it qualifies one to teach, he said, “A wide selection of them: Introduction to Farmville, Intermediate Farmville, Independent Farmville Field Study, and Advanced Agricultural Methods of Farmville. Someone has to educate the over 45 million monthly active users of Farmville.”  

“See?” quite confidently said the former trombone major.  

Save – on modern tuition costs.  

Save – your ducats.  

Save – yourself by paying your dues now.  

Bugged by Farmville? Go to the wall with your comments.  

LIP POLICE

FLYING used to be a simple and often enjoyable experience for passengers, before beefed-up security and advanced passenger-screening methods were put into place.  

A pattern has emerged in which a specific group is being unfairly singled out. Brass players are being detained by airport security based on secret new directives referred to covertly as “brass profiling.” Airport security denies the charge and maintains they are randomly selecting passengers for screening. It further denies that the general public has registered complaints about having to travel with brass players or that there have been incidents where passengers have refused to board the same plane, returning to the terminal and asking to be placed on another flight.  

A musician union representative feels that, “The airlines have never really been brass-player friendly, starting with our protest of how instrument baggage has been handled by the ‘throwers’ (slang for baggage handlers).”  

Brass players as individuals are not a security risk, one confidential source said. Nor are they as a group. “Quite frankly, they tend to annoy the other passengers and the airlines feel it would be best if they could somehow be singled out for group seating when possible. If that doesn’t work, they hope the additional harassment will be sufficient to discourage them from flying,” the source said.  

The fears are that brass musicians will cause problems for the flight crew.  

A stewardess said, “One incident involved a brass player who objected to the in-flight music and kept asking passengers, ‘Hey, what’s on your iPod? Oh, I see … have you ever actually heard a musician play live in your freakin’ life?’”  

Brass Informant has obtained from a highly confidential source the check-list created by the airline industry and supplied to airport security:  

Directive:
Detain these type of passengers for random selection.

1. Instrument cases

Those carrying instrument cases that won’t allow them to be checked as regular baggage.
Those carrying a trumpet case offering to fly the plane.
Those carrying a trombone case asking for more leg room.
Those carrying a French horn case asking to be seated with string passengers.
Those carrying a tuba case asking to be seated at the back of the airplane.

2. Facial lip issues and mannerisms

Those who exhibit stress marks on their lips.
Those who exhibit a constant flapping of the lips, producing a high-toned buzz or who appear to be spitting out an imaginary particle of food while tightening the corners of the mouth.

3. Fellow passenger comfort issues

Those taking a special interest in the lips of fellow passengers, often making inappropriate inquiries to see their teeth to discuss their “placement” or “pivot” or producing several brass player mouthpieces asking them to “buzz” to further discuss and examine their “set-up.”
Those asking fellow passengers if they might be an “up stream” or “down stream.”
Those performing what is commonly referred to as “the pencil exercise” with their lips.
Those who continue to tighten the corners of their lips followed by an abrupt exhale.

4. Electronic devices

Those who have MP3 players which contain only brass soloist recordings.
Those who only have video of live music performances on their cell phones.

5. Use of special covert language

Embouchure, chops, spit-valve, valve oil, mouthpiece and horn freezing.
On jumbo jets those referring to the first and second levels, or first class vs. coach as being “up” or “down an octave.”
Referring to the human heart as a metronome.

6. Unintended use of in-flight equipment and facilities

Using the tray tables as music stands.
Use of in-flight restroom for washing out a mouthpiece, or attempting to soak part of a horn or its slides in the sink.

7. Interference with airline personnel duties

Those who make inquiries to the personnel asking who is performing on in-flight music, then showing a noticeable sign of disgust and frustration when no one else takes an interest in the request.
Those who refer to the pilot as a conductor and the stewardesses as waitresses or showgirls.
Those asking if riser seating is available.
Asking the captain if jet fuel would make a good valve oil.
Asking the air marshal if he or she plays a wind instrument or is the “air” part just an honorary title.

“The practice of being singled out for no other reason than someone’s profession or hobby is another form of discrimination. Our money is just as green as anyone else’s. We are your brothers, your sisters, and to corporate America we are your customers. It has to be stopped,” said the musicians union representative, expressing himself in a loud and clear voice.  

“We just want to be treated like everyone else,” he said, pounding the podium righteously.  

A brass player available was asked to comment. “No, that’s incorrect. I don’t agree with the union on this one. I don’t want to be treated like everyone else. I’m a lead trumpet player. Come on, I expect to be treated better than everyone else.”  

You should continue – to practice your craft.  

You should continue – to write about your instrument accommodation concerns.  

You should continue – to take a stand.  

EXCLUSIVE

ON a recent lazy Sunday, a group of musicians from the local University’s school of music were strolling in the forest looking for slivers of wood to make reeds for their woodwinds method classes when in the distance a large furry creature was spotted carrying a large shiny metal looking object.  

Closer examination through a pair of binoculars revealed a trombone. One scholar noted that the trombone’s characteristics matched those made around 35 years ago and he said that based on the glistening of the slide, it was coated with a thin later of chicken fat for lubrication.  

“At least I hope it was just chicken fat,” he said.”Walking around out there in the woods by yourself isolated from mankind and without access to a suitable mate, who knows what he used.”  

Another speculated that Bigfoot obtained the trombone from an unlocked vehicle years ago since University records from that time period reported a faculty member’s trombone stolen from a van in the faculty parking lot, and the instrument was never recovered.  

“If that trombone matches the serial number of the stolen instrument in question, that big fella is gonna be held to answer for his crime,” said the Sheriff. “There is no statute of limitations when it comes to theft of brass instruments, according to international law.”  

A university anthropology professor speculated that the creature merely was getting bored playing on homemade tom-toms fashioned from animals skins stretched over abandoned oil drums. “He craved to make melody, which is the normal progression in intelligent homo sapiens development,” he said.  

A professor from the jazz department who has just been awarded tenure earlier that day expressed that, “Big and hairy or short and clean shaven, unless Sasquatch can sight-read sheet music and jam out a groovy lick over a ii/V7/I chord progression, I have no interest in the dude, furry or not. Besides no one takes a doubler on drums and trombone seriously. Hey baby…” He then proceeded to hit on a graduate co-ed who was jogging nearby, making him unavailable for follow-up questions.  

Be on the lookout – know your yeti.  

Be prepared – the forest climate can deprive you of your much-needed moisture.  

Be sure to – keep your eyes peeled for the next sighting.