Brass Informant

Tweeted photo

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 22:00:00 -0400

SCANDAL

ANEWS conference was unexpectedly called by a prominent brass instructor to further address allegations that he tweeted a photo to young adult women on campus using social media.

In the press conference on the University steps, a solemn-faced trumpet professor came before the crowd to explain himself. Previously, he had said the photo may or may not be his, further claiming that his Twitter account had been hacked and the photo was sent without his permission. He alleged that it was merely a prank, suspecting it was a music ed student he gave a low grade to in a brass methods class.

At the press conference, the trusted academic finally came clean and accepted full responsibility for his action.

“Yes, I admit it, I tweeted a photo to a woman. My account was not hacked, it was done by my own actions. No one else is to blame.”

A reporter from the audience asked after the buzz died down, “Were those actual pictures of your, you know, your, your…?”

After a brief pause, he answered in the affirmative that he was the photographer of the photos that appeared on Twitter and the center focus of this scandal.

When asked by one reporter if the professor was offering his resignation, he replied, “Allow me to explain this in a way so you can understand. I got tenure. A nice big office with cool furniture, high-speed internet, a decent budget, graduate assistants to teach my classes, a ten-hour flex-time work week, summers off and a paid sabbatical where I travel around Europe with no accountability or purpose. Resign? Are you freakin’ nuts!”

The trumpet professor’s wife wasn’t available for comment and remained in an undisclosed location to shield her from embarrassment.

A spokeswoman for the college said, “I know I’m going to sound biased defending the University, but these kinds of photos are all over the Internet and easy to come by. I don’t see why these megapixels have resulted in mega-trouble for this professor.”

A young co-ed at the college, speaking confidentially out of fear of losing her scholarship and keys to the professor’s practice studio, said that the photo couldn’t have been from anyone else.

“I’ve studied with him for three years now, including the summers when we have been alone the most, and I can tell you I am 100 percent positive that photo belonged to the trumpet professor. I would have had no trouble selecting it from a lineup, if it came to that.”

She added, “Anyone who has spent time around him and gotten an intimate look would know it without a doubt. It has a marking on it too.”

She continued, “He told me in confidence that his own wife didn’t show much interest and I doubt she would have been able to believe the photos belonged to him because she wasn’t that familiar. She just didn’t have as much of an interest in it as I have, which made it all the more charming. It’s that marking that really aroused my curiosity.”

Many times when they were alone, she would stare at the marking, she said. She had asked him about the so-called marking but he was unable to explain it, often saying, “That’s just the way it is. It’s always been that way. Look at it all you want,” and then he would quickly put it away before the next student came in.

After constant questioning she finally revealed a more explicit and graphic detail of the photo and the curious marking she was so enthralled with.

Brass Informant has been able to obtain the Tweeted photo, which has been removed from the Twitter account. We present it to you in all its glory.

An excited co-ed pointed to the photo saying, “That’s it! The double stamped ‘L’ marking on the trumpet bell. I would know it anywhere!”

The Dean added, “We want to be known as a place of higher learning where parents can feel safe sending their children to study. I don’t want to contribute anymore to this – this horn porn – any further!”

The chair of the brass department said he and the rest of the faculty are hoping they can put this incident behind them.

“Yes, we’re all looking forward to getting past this,” said a campus police officer as he slapped another parking ticket on the windshield of the news van.

Before sending your photo – know your stuff.

Before sending your photo – know how to make it right.

Before sending your photo – consider making it kind of blue.

Brass Player Apologizes To Thousands of Women

Mon, 30 May 2011 22:00:00 -0400

EXCLUSIVE

ALEAD TRUMPETER who toured with well-known bands throughout the United States and Europe has decided to apologize to thousands of women in a new book. It wasn’t the usual tell-all book a major book publisher was expecting. He said, “I know, it’s a shame. I slept with as many women as I possibly could while on the road with the groups.”

“It’s full of regrets,” said a spokeswoman on behalf of the publisher.

Being a sex icon of the horn section, this can happen quite easily, the player said.

“I became a vegetarian, practiced yoga, even gave up laughing for a bit, but nothing toned down the interest and the groupies were everywhere,” said the high-note man.

Having so much sex – sometimes bedding as many as three women a day – is commonly believed to have been merely a substitute for a mother’s love, said a noted psychologist.

“Oh, that wasn’t the case at all. I was totally in it for the chicks and the high notes. But mostly the chicks,” said the player.

Clearly a case of shallow mouthpieces and shallow morals was the affliction of this lad.

Using his seductive powers of high notes, along with a relaxed sound and intense vibrato, he bedded countless women along the journey in town after town. Turning on the exciting charm of his horn night after night, it was not unlike a siren drawing women to him.

“When I returned to my dressing room after the show, they were waiting for me. There was no escaping them, but I want everyone to know I accept full responsibility,” he said.

In a back-of-an-envelope calculation, he estimates he slept with roughly 3,000 women.

“It’s a shame, and I will work to live with no regrets, except this one. To women everywhere…” he said as a small tear began to stream from the corner of his eye, “I’m deeply sorry that I wasn’t able to get to all of you.”

Adding, “Gimme a break, I’m only one man!”

All you need - to do is go to the source.

All you need - to do is set the right mood.

All you need – is love.

Trombonist Switches Major to Farmville

Thu, 26 May 2011 22:00:00 -0400

SHOCKING

ATROMBONE major recently decided that after investing countless hours on Facebook playing Farmville, he wanted something to show for all his efforts. He switched from being a trombone music major to majoring in Farmville, a new field of study offered by the college.

“I’ve even dropped my minor in math so I could focus exclusively on my new major,” the university student said cheerfully.

He related a tiny bit of family history which could explain his impulsive change in careers.

Years ago, his father was searching for the best auto insurance rates. He spent so much time reading policies, talking with insurance agents, watching TV ads and studying online articles that, after selecting the holy grail of policies, he concluded he needed to account for all this wasted time. So dear old Dad declared to the family one night over dinner, “I’ve invested so much in learning about this insurance stuff, I might as well sell this crap!” and he quit his job as a gondolier to become an insurance agent for a company with an annoying iconic talking mascot. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to making sudden drastic changes in a person’s choice of a livelihood.

A college Dean stated that this was the sign of times to come in University programs.

“After a vote at a local pub with most of the faculty on hand, it was officially decided to remove some of the less-popular courses from the curriculum in favor of those with more popular themes among young people such as Farmville,” said the Dean as he adjusted his tweed jacket and pipe.

A professor, resting comfortable in his office wearing slippers, added, “We decided to make way for a Farmville major by reducing clutter in the program like math courses and physics. I mean, physics with the whole Big Bang Theory and all that, it’s been talked about to death and no one wants hear about it anymore. We are just so over talking about the Big Bang Theory. And it was so long ago, today’s student body simply can’t relate to it.” As for most of the history courses, the consensus among the group was that they are yesterday’s news and often don’t have a happy ending.

“We have to consider the attention span of most students as we compete with movies and reality TV shows,” said the jazz professor, who suddenly began some exotic hand-clapping rhythm as he became totally distracted watching the cheerleaders rehearse outside his office window.

When the reality sets in of the apparent uselessness of spending hours acquiring a skill for which society has no purpose – coupled with insurmountable student loans – the question becomes: how can a college degree in Farmville be used to earn a living?

The college Dean is quick to answer, “That’s simple. A graduate with a degree in Farmville can get a job teaching!”

When asked what college courses it qualifies one to teach, he said, “A wide selection of them: Introduction to Farmville, Intermediate Farmville, Independent Farmville Field Study, and Advanced Agricultural Methods of Farmville. Someone has to educate the over 45 million monthly active users of Farmville.”

“See?” quite confidently said the former trombone major.

Save – on modern tuition costs.

Save – your ducats.

Save – yourself by paying your dues now.

Bugged by Farmville? Go to the wall with your comments.

Put That Valve Oil Down!

Wed, 18 May 2011 23:00:00 -0400

LEAD PLAYERS ONLY

AN apparent pep-talk from an experienced lead trumpet professional guest lecturer at a college turned out to be far different from the expectations of the rookies in the trumpet section.

Brass Informant has obtained a recording from an anonymous source of what was planned to be a trumpet sectional rehearsal for an upcoming circus gig, held to gain a group of young students some real world playing experience during a monthly master class. The event has been transcribed with help from eye-witness student accounts.

Adhering to University privacy rules, the students will be referred to as pseudonyms “Shelly Levine” and “Dave Moss.” Professors’ names were changed to protect those up for tenure.

Shortly before the trumpet sectional begins Shelly Levine, a graduate student, asked his trumpet professor for assistance.

“I have some problems, personal problems, I …” to which the Professor coldly told Shelly, “Yes, I know, I heard you warming up.”

Undeterred, Shelly pressed further, “I could really use one of those new mouthpieces to get me through this gig.” The Professor sharply reminded him, “That’s what we are going to talk about tonight. After the sectional, AFTER the sectional,” leaving Shelly to recoil to his seat.

An unknown man, in his mid-forties, dressed in an extremely expensive suit with slicked-back hair entered the room and put his luxury gig bag on the desk in front of a huge blackboard. No one but the Professor was familiar with this gentleman. His BMW car vanity license plate read, “BLAKE”.

“Lemme have your attention for a moment,” said Blake in a clear yet demanding tone. “So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about that third valve slide is gummed up. Bitching about some part you don’t want to play, some mouthpiece rim you’re trying to screw? Well, let’s talk about something important!”

Shelly gave a slight shrug and proceeded to drip valve oil on his removed first valve during Blake’s presentation.

“Put that valve oil down! Valve oil’s for lead players only,” Blake barked at Shelly. “You think I’m kidding you? I am NOT kidding you. I’m here from the musician’s local. I’m here from the Brass Arrangers Guild and I’m here on a mission of mercy. You, your name’s what? Shelly? You call yourself a trumpeter you son of a cymbal player?”

Dave Moss, a fifth year senior got up and started for the door muttering, “I don’t gotta listen to this crap.”

“You certainly don’t, pal.” said Blake in a sarcastic tone. “Because the good news is: you’re fired. The bad news is, you’ve got - all of you got - just one week to regain your chair in the trumpet section. Starting with tonight’s rehearsal.” Blake proceeded coyly, “Oh: have I got your attention now? Good.”

Blake retrieved a leading trumpet maker’s advertising poster from his gig bag and pinned it up on the bulletin board. “’Cause we’re adding a little incentive for those who play in the trumpet section this month. As you all know, first prize is a custom edition titanium diamond-encrusted trumpet for your endorsement and a two-year performance contract with the circus when you graduate. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of wire mouthpiece brushes,” which Blake tossed to the desk as if he was discarding trash. Their bounce on the table had all eyes in the room staring at the cheap product.

Blake stepped back from the desk with his hands in his suit pockets and announced, “Third prize is you’re fired and I will make it my personal mission to see to it that you never work in this business again. Everybody get the picture? You laughing now?”

Blake lifted up a stack of sheet music and continued, “You got charts. Management paid good money for those charts. You can’t play the charts you are given? You can’t play garbage, you ARE garbage, hit the bricks, pal and beat it ‘cause you are going out!”

Shelly, visibly shaken by this unusual trumpet sectional, tried to reason with Blake, “The charts are weak.” Blake, showing no signs of sympathy, said “The charts are weak? The freakin’ charts are weak?!? YOU’RE weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years…” interrupted by Moss mustering to reply in a challenging tone, “What’s your name?”

“Kiss my brass, that’s my name.” Blake spoke in his most confrontational pose yet towards Moss. “You know why, mister? ‘Cause you carried your horn here tonight in a smelly old case with a broken latch tied with kite string. I carried my horn here in a custom-made leather fur-lined quad case with a built-in iPad holder – that’s my name!” To the young players, it was made crystal clear they didn’t run in the same circles as Blake.

Blake then turned to a sullen Shelly and continued his attack, “And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in a real trumpet section? Can’t play through an entire chart without faking it? Then go to your dorm room and tell your girlfriend your troubles.”

Blake in an athletic coaches voice added, “Because only one thing counts in this life, get the part played the way it was intended. You hear me you fagotti?”

Blake motioned to the blackboard and continued his lecture from his chalk writings. “ABC, A - Always, B - Be, C- Closing, Always Be Closing, Always Be Closing your aperture as you ascend into the upper register!”

Looking disgruntled Moss mumbled, “Incredible.” Without missing a beat Blake addressed the remark, “What’s the problem, pal? You. Moss.”

In his half-baked attempt to be macho, Moss said, “Well, you’re such a trumpet hero, you’re so successful. Why are you coming down here and wasting your time on a bunch of bums?”

Blake flashed a small smirk and placed in Moss’ hand a heavy gold ornately engraved trumpet mouthpiece. “You see this mouthpiece? You see this mouthpiece?” Moss said, “yeah” softly.

Blake in a matter of fact voice said, “This mouthpiece costs more than your car. I made $97,000 last year just doing flugelhorn doubles, how much did you make? You see, that’s who I am and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I could give a dented mute, go work a pre-school. You wanna work here, play! I can, tonight, with the charts you have in front of you play through them without taking the horn off my face, no rests, not miss a note or page turn. Can you? Can you? Get mad, get mad you flute players.”

From his gig bag, Blake removed a key-chain sporting two shiny dangling objects and held them to his crotch. “You know what it takes to play lead trumpet? It takes brass bells!” tossing them on the desk, causing Shelly to slump in his chair.

Blake stared down the players and continued, “The charts are in your folders. Work on them, play them as written! You don’t, I got no sympathy for you, and you know what you’ll be saying? A bunch of losers sitting around sniffing rosin, tending counter…some stuffy string shop near campus…oh, yeah, I use to be a lead trumpet player. It’s a tough racket.”

The Professor then handed Blake a small leather display case. “These are the new mouthpieces. These are the Glengarry mouthpieces and to you they’re not just gold-plated, they are pure gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for lead players. I’d wish you good luck and breath control, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got either.”

Turning to Moss, “And to answer your question, pal. Why I am here, I came here because the music contractor asked me here to do a favor. I said the real favor, is to fire your sorry brass ‘cause a loser is a loser.”

Be prepared – to be an original.

Be prepared – to practice anywhere.

Be prepared - to go for the gold.

Brass Profiling in Full Force

Sun, 08 May 2011 13:00:00 -0400

LIP POLICE

FLYING used to be a simple and often enjoyable experience for passengers, before beefed-up security and advanced passenger-screening methods were put into place.

A pattern has emerged in which a specific group is being unfairly singled out. Brass players are being detained by airport security based on secret new directives referred to covertly as “brass profiling.” Airport security denies the charge and maintains they are randomly selecting passengers for screening. It further denies that the general public has registered complaints about having to travel with brass players or that there have been incidents where passengers have refused to board the same plane, returning to the terminal and asking to be placed on another flight.

A musician union representative feels that, “The airlines have never really been brass-player friendly, starting with our protest of how instrument baggage has been handled by the ‘throwers’ (slang for baggage handlers).”

Brass players as individuals are not a security risk, one confidential source said. Nor are they as a group. “Quite frankly, they tend to annoy the other passengers and the airlines feel it would be best if they could somehow be singled out for group seating when possible. If that doesn’t work, they hope the additional harassment will be sufficient to discourage them from flying,” the source said.

The fears are that brass musicians will cause problems for the flight crew.

A stewardess said, “One incident involved a brass player who objected to the in-flight music and kept asking passengers, ‘Hey, what’s on your iPod? Oh, I see … have you ever actually heard a musician play live in your freakin’ life?’”

Brass Informant has obtained from a highly confidential source the check-list created by the airline industry and supplied to airport security:

*** ALERT *** ALERT *** ALERT ***
Summary:
Information has been collected from field operations, in-flight crews, and reservation systems to improve flight operations. Hold regular briefings to make all personnel aware of these objectives.

Directive:
Detain these type of passengers for random selection.

1. Instrument cases

Those carrying instrument cases that won’t allow them to be checked as regular baggage.
Those carrying a trumpet case offering to fly the plane.
Those carrying a trombone case asking for more leg room.
Those carrying a French horn case asking to be seated with string passengers.
Those carrying a tuba case asking to be seated at the back of the airplane.

2. Facial lip issues and mannerisms

Those who exhibit stress marks on their lips.
Those who exhibit a constant flapping of the lips, producing a high-toned buzz or who appear to be spitting out an imaginary particle of food while tightening the corners of the mouth.

3. Fellow passenger comfort issues

Those taking a special interest in the lips of fellow passengers, often making inappropriate inquiries to see their teeth to discuss their “placement” or “pivot” or producing several brass player mouthpieces asking them to “buzz” to further discuss and examine their “set-up.”
Those asking fellow passengers if they might be an “up stream” or “down stream.”
Those performing what is commonly referred to as “the pencil exercise” with their lips.
Those who continue to tighten the corners of their lips followed by an abrupt exhale.

4. Electronic devices

Those who have MP3 players which contain only brass soloist recordings.
Those who only have video of live music performances on their cell phones.

5. Use of special covert language

Embouchure, chops, spit-valve, valve oil, mouthpiece and horn freezing.
On jumbo jets those referring to the first and second levels, or first class vs. coach as being “up” or “down an octave.”
Referring to the human heart as a metronome.

6. Unintended use of in-flight equipment and facilities

Using the tray tables as music stands.
Use of in-flight restroom for washing out a mouthpiece, or attempting to soak part of a horn or its slides in the sink.

7. Interference with airline personnel duties

Those who make inquiries to the personnel asking who is performing on in-flight music, then showing a noticeable sign of disgust and frustration when no one else takes an interest in the request.
Those who refer to the pilot as a conductor and the stewardesses as waitresses or showgirls.
Those asking if riser seating is available.
Asking the captain if jet fuel would make a good valve oil.
Asking the air marshal if he or she plays a wind instrument or is the “air” part just an honorary title.

***

The discussion at a musicians union press conference held on the steps of the airport became passionate.

“The practice of being singled out for no other reason than someone’s profession or hobby is another form of discrimination. Our money is just as green as anyone else’s. We are your brothers, your sisters, and to corporate America we are your customers. It has to be stopped,” said the musicians union representative, expressing himself in a loud and clear voice.

“We just want to be treated like everyone else,” he said, pounding the podium righteously.

A brass player available was asked to comment. “No, that’s incorrect. I don’t agree with the union on this one. I don’t want to be treated like everyone else. I’m a lead trumpet player. Come on, I expect to be treated better than everyone else.”

You should continue – to practice your craft.

You should continue – to write about your instrument accommodation concerns.

You should continue – to take a stand.

Unicorn discovery actually sousaphone player in costume

Sun, 01 May 2011 22:00:00 -0400

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

WHILE it is common practice for budding medical students to be told that when they hear hoof steps to think horses rather than zebras as a lesson to practical diagnoses, not so for this upper Midwestern university’s college undergraduate pre-med students who were throughly convinced they had captured a real-life unicorn on their very own college campus.

The galloping subject was stumbling his way through campus knocking over trash cans, then spotted trying to crawl into a dumpster when he was cornered and captured by a group of pre-med students returning from a late-night party.

“Look! It’s a freakin’ unicorn! Let’s get ‘em!” cried out one of the students said a witness. They immediately texted and phoned their teaching assistants about this stunning discovery while in pursuit. University full professors weren’t available because they were on sabbaticals, guest lecturing at other colleges and on book tours.

A series of diagnostic intelligence tests, usually referred to as “Common Horse Sense,” were administered by the students.

“These tests were designed to determine the intelligence of horses, donkeys, mules and zebras,” said a university graduate assistant. He ponied up additional details: “To our amazement, the unicorn in our custody failed all equine intelligence and coordination tests, scoring shockingly low.”

The students locked the captured quadruped in the lab. Hours of study under bright lights and webcams revealed that this amazing discovery was nothing more than the marching band’s sousaphone player in a horse costume embellished with a few minor alterations to resemble a unicorn.

At this point the student-run scientific team was convinced they were no longer dealing with an actual equine’s lost four-legged cousin. The involuntary urine test captured into a faculty member’s empty coffee mug indicated that the unicorn in question had consumed alcohol, likely at an all-night kegger held on the edge of campus. Once out of the restraints of the lab, the sousaphone player was turned over to the police who charged him with being intoxicated on campus, failure to carry student identification and reckless hoofing.

Seek out – someone who’s always on a steady course.

Seek out – those often overlooked because they speak so softly.

Seek out – your own adventure with someone who’s easy to talk to.

Giant Chicken Crashes Band Rehearsal

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 22:00:00 -0400

POULTRY PERCUSSIONIST

ACOMMUNITY band rehearsing in a sleepy little Southwestern town was visited by a big chicken. No, not the kind that backs down from a dare, but an actual chicken – and not just your regular farm-variety chicken, but a giant Rhode Island Red chicken.

Standing a tremendous five-foot-tall, her enormous growth is attributed to a local farmer who has been experimenting with advanced growth hormones in livestock in an effort to increase profits. “Bigger chickens, bigger eggs, it’s a no-brainer,” said the farmer. Adding, “I’ve also been playing concert band music on the PA system in the hen house because it helps keep the hens quiet.”

The large chicken, nicknamed by the locals as Henrietta, invaded the rehearsal and headed straight for the percussion section. “This crazy chick arrived unannounced during a xylophone solo. She let out a loud squawk, pushed the player out of the way and started to peck out the solo,” said a trumpet player for the band. The conductor of the band claimed, under his baton she played in time emphasizing, “Never have I heard such a sharp crisp clean staccato from our percussion section.”

So impressed was the ensemble with the performance of their newly found fine-feathered musician, Henrietta became a featured performer on the concert later that week. “Henrietta received a standing ovation and totally won over the audience,” said a French horn player. A tuba player was delighted with their new addition saying, “You know, with a chicken around and the molting of feathers, hardly anyone complains about the huge amount of spit I leave on the floor anymore.”

The leader of the percussion section felt threatened by the talents of the bird with her ability to so easily peck out a solo without numerous rehearsals. “I don’t care if she can play the part, she’s a chicken and she’ll never replace me ‘cause I’m the one who drives the equipment van. So there!” said the percussionist.

A good – bird can liven things up.

A good - band to play in can be your salvation.

A good – hobby can feel like a jailbreak.

Music Conductor's Ego Expands Beyond Earth's Boundaries

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 23:27:45 -0400

SCIENTISTS AMAZED

ASOUTHEASTERN music conductor has gone beyond simply conducting musicians and now conducts the stars themselves. Not celebs, but actual stars, moons and planets too.

“Through sheer willpower, I am able to control musicians in the orchestra to play the proper notes,” he said. “I decided to lend my powers to directing the constellations.”

“Why limit myself to the confines of a single stage when there is a universe out there that needs my visionary touch, direction and leadership?” said the conductor as he whipped out his baton, tapped on a park bench, and motioned toward the heavens to get its attention.

The conductor claimed to have started by giving inspiration to redwood trees, taking credit for their tremendous growth, then by adding shading to a rainbow until he was satisfied he had left his mark on nature.

“I have corrected the tempos of mighty raging rivers and adjusted the pulse of the ocean waves from the shore. During a vacation I employed my unique style of giving cues to instrumentalists to prompt Old Faithful to erupt on time with better definition. I almost had it perfected until our tour group was chased away by a park ranger.”

The conductor exclaimed, “You of course have heard of Moon Over Miami? I did that. Before my direction the moon simply lingered, in my opinion, in the wrong place and time and I steered it back where it should be, right over Miami. Even though I have not received a thank you note from the space agency, because they can be aloof like that, which I respect, I know they fully appreciate it. As a conductor I can sense these things.”

A laboratory experiment to study the conductor’s ego by the local University science department partnering with neurological research reached conclusive findings. “This is about the most dense matter existing in the known universe. It can’t be moved or penetrated. It’s just a hair shy of being a black hole,” said the lead scientist.

Said the conductor, “Not unlike Mozart who copied out music parts so quickly that he made mistakes needing my insightful corrections, I am filling in for the almighty – of course, when my performance schedule permits.”

He noted that no CD or video of the new venture is forthcoming because “Every living thing on earth will simply feel it all working as one under my direction.”

When asked to give details of these benefits, the conductor stated, “Flowers will smell better, trees will sway more fluidly and the air in every garden room will feel that much lighter. When you think of my high-six-figure salary, the earth is really getting a bargain for this single-handed major accomplishment of mine,” he said. “When the next asteroid comes barreling down on earth, rest assured they will come to me to save us all, just as I have done for music.”

We all want – music that’s out of this world.

We all want – something inspirational to look up to.

We all want – something beautiful sounding.

Vegan Trumpeter Bores Audience to Death

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 10:00:00 -0400

FEW SURVIVE

ATRUMPET player performing at a popular New England steakhouse is being charged with mass murder after listeners dropped dead following his prolonged anti-meat harangue.

Upon finishing a long mellow trumpet solo with the featured jazz band, the player announced that he was in fact a vegan. He proceeded to explain his views to the audience, who were dining on ribs, steaks and chops, that they should not eat meat.

One heckler told the performer to shut up and just play, shouting, “Maybe if you added some real protein to your diet, you wouldn’t have missed all those high notes in the last set.”

While the musician ignored this warning and continued to lecture about the virtues of vegetarianism, the audience experienced an unexpected reaction, as described by a physician who happened to be in attendance and narrowly escaped with his life.

“This was a case of mass psychogenic erupticism,” he said. “This is different from what is commonly known as mass hysteria, where a group of people exhibit a common symptom such as nausea. It’s never manifested itself at this level of physical trauma. I could hardly believe my own eyes. It should make a great paper.”

Visibly mustering his strength, the doctor further explained, “The trumpeter wouldn’t stop talking about being a vegan, and I saw audience members begin to hemorrhage simultaneously. I mean, they started bleeding. It was a horrifying event to bear witness to. One person’s freakin’ head exploded all over my steak sandwich. It totally ruined my meal.”

The establishment refused to issue refunds to surviving members of the audience and canceled the Tuesday night two-for-one special.

“You come to a club to be entertained by some jazz and have a few laughs, not to be lectured on your lifestyle,” the doctor added. “That guy needs to keep it in his pants! Our ancestors ate meat, it isn’t a choice for us. I’ve got a message for those vegans out there: we’re here, we eat meat, get used to it!”

Make sure – you take proper care of your chops.

Make sure – you aren’t too chicken to try new things.

Make sure – you serve a fine compilation.

Music Faculty Holds Music Auditions in the Nude

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 04:43:08 -0400

SHOCKING

AUDITIONERS for a Midwestern music department will no longer need to use their imaginations to picture their audience in the buff, since the faculty announced they will attend auditions by prospective students au natural.

The Dean of the Music Department said, “This ends the art department’s monopoly on nudity within our fine University.”

The building custodian accented the health benefits of nudity explaining, “Nudity helps prevent Lyme Disease because you can brush the little buggers off before they make a blood meal out of you. It’s also what I’ve been telling students I’m up to in the janitor’s closet when they open my door without warning.”

It’s a widely held belief that picturing an audience without clothes on aids to make them far less intimidating for the unexperienced performer or speaker.

“We are doing one better. We decided to omit the sage old advice from the audition tip sheets, and just go bare ourselves,” explained the music department admissions director.

“This is an attempt to calm the students during the audition process. We want to avoid sending the wrong message and causing stage fright early on in a budding career,” she said. “I fully support this effort, which reminds me I better make an appointment for that bikini wax.”

The jazz professor, who is part of the music faculty auditioning committee panel, will be there entirely raw, but he questioned the benefits of this concept.

“Hey, I’ll do it. I’m up for anything, but I don’t believe for a second this was proposed to help the auditioning students,” he said. “It’s so all of us can sit there buck-naked and expose our junk to young-ins without fear of losing our jobs. Zu-bee, Zu-bee , bop-bop…,” remarked the tenured professor before his speech trailed off into impromptu scat-singing.

The Dean sternly emphasized that, “Any prospective student asking us if we have a license to sell hotdogs will be excluded from admissions by the auditioning committee.”

When auditioning make sure – you don’t get scared.

When auditioning be sure – you know your scales.

When auditioning - calm yourself while you wait by reading something sacred.

Brass Quintet To Lead Next Space Shuttle Mission

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 10:00:00 -0400

BREAKING NEWS

THE space agency announced today that it is putting the first brass quintet into space on the next shuttle trip. “Brass musicians were especially sought out because their lifestyle of practicing musical instruments in confined spaces for many hours each day makes them particularly suited to traveling in the restrictions of a small space ship for an extended period of time,” said a mission specialist.

Top universities, research centers and an international scientific think tank are planning many experiments for the brasswind players. One of the most basic questions is whether playing a brass instrument in space can provide major benefits for future astronauts and missions colonizing other planets. Scientists wonder if it is possible to play a brass instrument in the weightlessness of space and how the team will deal with emptying their spit-valves without damaging delicate mission-critical technology. The frequency with which brass instruments need to be lubricated caused the space agency’s research team to invent a new valve oil delivery system, something past generations of astronauts did not have to deal with.

A spokesperson for the mission said, “This is not your father’s team of astronauts. This group has requested more stylish-looking spacesuits, places to hang posters and additional cargo space for various costume changes and props for their performances in space.”

With limited air supply on the space missions, additional measures are being taken to ensure a more-than-ample air supply for rehearsals and command performances streamed live from space.

“The air quality is always a concern,” said the mission specialist, adding, “Initially we requested the musicians try to limit the size of their breaths.” The ensemble’s first trumpet player informed space agency management, “Our brass quintet has a policy that we don’t take requests unless it’s for private parties.”

None of the scientific and logistical concerns fazed the musicians. The tuba player for the group was delighted with the prospect saying, “Finally, we can play as loud as we want and no one will complain,” adding, “I’m glad they lifted the personal carry-on limitations ‘cause there is no way my tuba was gonna fit under the seat.”

The second trumpet player pondered, “Does this trip count towards frequent-flyer miles?” The trombone player was pleased that the space agency mission sponsored consisted of nothing less than first-class treatment for the musicians, saying, “Hey, even the freakin’ baggage handler here has a PhD.”

The tuba player breathed a noticeable sigh of relief, saying, “Best thing of all about this space mission is I won’t have to worry about being late for rehearsals.”

The french horn player, the only woman among the group, said she would consider the entire mission a success if all the other players merely remembered to put the toilet seat back down after use.

Find out - just how smelly a spacecraft gets after a two week mission.

Find out - why it’s important for guys to put the seat down.

Find out - how you can soar into orbit without leaving your chair with these guys.

Bigfoot Spotted in Pacific Northwest Carrying a Trombone

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 23:56:21 -0400

EXCLUSIVE

ON a recent lazy Sunday, a group of musicians from the local University’s school of music were strolling in the forest looking for slivers of wood to make reeds for their woodwinds method classes when in the distance a large furry creature was spotted carrying a large shiny metal looking object.

Closer examination through a pair of binoculars revealed a trombone. One scholar noted that the trombone’s characteristics matched those made around 35 years ago and he said that based on the glistening of the slide, it was coated with a thin later of chicken fat for lubrication.

“At least I hope it was just chicken fat,” he said.”Walking around out there in the woods by yourself isolated from mankind and without access to a suitable mate, who knows what he used.”

Another speculated that Bigfoot obtained the trombone from an unlocked vehicle years ago since University records from that time period reported a faculty member’s trombone stolen from a van in the faculty parking lot, and the instrument was never recovered.

“If that trombone matches the serial number of the stolen instrument in question, that big fella is gonna be held to answer for his crime,” said the Sheriff. “There is no statute of limitations when it comes to theft of brass instruments, according to international law.”

A university anthropology professor speculated that the creature merely was getting bored playing on homemade tom-toms fashioned from animals skins stretched over abandoned oil drums. “He craved to make melody, which is the normal progression in intelligent homo sapiens development,” he said.

A professor from the jazz department who has just been awarded tenure earlier that day expressed that, “Big and hairy or short and clean shaven, unless Sasquatch can sight-read sheet music and jam out a groovy lick over a ii/V7/I chord progression, I have no interest in the dude, furry or not. Besides no one takes a doubler on drums and trombone seriously. Hey baby…” He then proceeded to hit on a graduate co-ed who was jogging nearby, making him unavailable for follow-up questions.

Be on the lookout – know your yeti.

Be prepared – the forest climate can deprive you of your much-needed moisture.

Be sure to – keep your eyes peeled for the next sighting.