NO UNTRUTH UNTOLD ™

FEW SURVIVE

ATRUMPET player performing at a popular New England steakhouse is being charged with mass murder after listeners dropped dead following his prolonged anti-meat harangue.  

Upon finishing a long mellow trumpet solo with the featured jazz band, the player announced that he was in fact a vegan. He proceeded to explain his views to the audience, who were dining on ribs, steaks and chops, that they should not eat meat.  

One heckler told the performer to shut up and just play, shouting, “Maybe if you added some real protein to your diet, you wouldn’t have missed all those high notes in the last set.”  

While the musician ignored this warning and continued to lecture about the virtues of vegetarianism, the audience experienced an unexpected reaction, as described by a physician who happened to be in attendance and narrowly escaped with his life.  

“This was a case of mass psychogenic erupticism,” he said. “This is different from what is commonly known as mass hysteria, where a group of people exhibit a common symptom such as nausea. It’s never manifested itself at this level of physical trauma. I could hardly believe my own eyes. It should make a great paper.”  

Visibly mustering his strength, the doctor further explained, “The trumpeter wouldn’t stop talking about being a vegan, and I saw audience members begin to hemorrhage simultaneously. I mean, they started bleeding. It was a horrifying event to bear witness to. One person’s freakin’ head exploded all over my steak sandwich. It totally ruined my meal.”  

The establishment refused to issue refunds to surviving members of the audience and canceled the Tuesday night two-for-one special.  

“You come to a club to be entertained by some jazz and have a few laughs, not to be lectured on your lifestyle,” the doctor added. “That guy needs to keep it in his pants! Our ancestors ate meat, it isn’t a choice for us. I’ve got a message for those vegans out there: we’re here, we eat meat, get used to it!”  

Make sure – you take proper care of your chops.  

Make sure – you aren’t too chicken to try new things.  

Make sure – you serve a fine compilation.