June 2011
1 post
7 tags
Tweeted photo
SCANDAL
ANEWS conference was unexpectedly called by a prominent brass instructor to further address allegations that he tweeted a photo to young adult women on campus using social media.
In the press conference on the University steps, a solemn-faced trumpet professor came before the crowd to explain himself. Previously, he had said the photo may or may not be his, further claiming that his...
May 2011
5 posts
4 tags
Brass Player Apologizes To Thousands of Women
EXCLUSIVE
ALEAD TRUMPETER who toured with well-known bands throughout the United States and Europe has decided to apologize to thousands of women in a new book. It wasn’t the usual tell-all book a major book publisher was expecting. He said, “I know, it’s a shame. I slept with as many women as I possibly could while on the road with the groups.”
“It’s full of regrets,”...
5 tags
Trombonist Switches Major to Farmville
SHOCKING
ATROMBONE major recently decided that after investing countless hours on Facebook playing Farmville, he wanted something to show for all his efforts. He switched from being a trombone music major to majoring in Farmville, a new field of study offered by the college.
“I’ve even dropped my minor in math so I could focus exclusively on my new major,” the university student said...
5 tags
Put That Valve Oil Down!
LEAD PLAYERS ONLY
AN apparent pep-talk from an experienced lead trumpet professional guest lecturer at a college turned out to be far different from the expectations of the rookies in the trumpet section.
Brass Informant has obtained a recording from an anonymous source of what was planned to be a trumpet sectional rehearsal for an upcoming circus gig, held to gain a group of young students...
7 tags
Brass Profiling in Full Force
LIP POLICE
FLYING used to be a simple and often enjoyable experience for passengers, before beefed-up security and advanced passenger-screening methods were put into place.
A pattern has emerged in which a specific group is being unfairly singled out. Brass players are being detained by airport security based on secret new directives referred to covertly as “brass profiling.” Airport...
4 tags
Unicorn discovery actually sousaphone player in...
UNDER THE INFLUENCE
WHILE it is common practice for budding medical students to be told that when they hear hoof steps to think horses rather than zebras as a lesson to practical diagnoses, not so for this upper Midwestern university’s college undergraduate pre-med students who were throughly convinced they had captured a real-life unicorn on their very own college campus.
The...
April 2011
6 posts
3 tags
Giant Chicken Crashes Band Rehearsal
POULTRY PERCUSSIONIST
ACOMMUNITY band rehearsing in a sleepy little Southwestern town was visited by a big chicken. No, not the kind that backs down from a dare, but an actual chicken – and not just your regular farm-variety chicken, but a giant Rhode Island Red chicken.
Standing a tremendous five-foot-tall, her enormous growth is attributed to a local farmer who has been experimenting with...
4 tags
Music Conductor's Ego Expands Beyond Earth's...
SCIENTISTS AMAZED
ASOUTHEASTERN music conductor has gone beyond simply conducting musicians and now conducts the stars themselves. Not celebs, but actual stars, moons and planets too.
“Through sheer willpower, I am able to control musicians in the orchestra to play the proper notes,” he said. “I decided to lend my powers to directing the constellations.”
“Why limit myself to the confines...
3 tags
Vegan Trumpeter Bores Audience to Death
FEW SURVIVE
ATRUMPET player performing at a popular New England steakhouse is being charged with mass murder after listeners dropped dead following his prolonged anti-meat harangue.
Upon finishing a long mellow trumpet solo with the featured jazz band, the player announced that he was in fact a vegan. He proceeded to explain his views to the audience, who were dining on ribs, steaks and...
3 tags
Music Faculty Holds Music Auditions in the Nude
SHOCKING
AUDITIONERS for a Midwestern music department will no longer need to use their imaginations to picture their audience in the buff, since the faculty announced they will attend auditions by prospective students au natural.
The Dean of the Music Department said, “This ends the art department’s monopoly on nudity within our fine University.”
The building custodian accented...
3 tags
Brass Quintet To Lead Next Space Shuttle Mission
BREAKING NEWS
THE space agency announced today that it is putting the first brass quintet into space on the next shuttle trip. “Brass musicians were especially sought out because their lifestyle of practicing musical instruments in confined spaces for many hours each day makes them particularly suited to traveling in the restrictions of a small space ship for an extended period of...
3 tags
Bigfoot Spotted in Pacific Northwest Carrying a...
EXCLUSIVE
ON a recent lazy Sunday, a group of musicians from the local University’s school of music were strolling in the forest looking for slivers of wood to make reeds for their woodwinds method classes when in the distance a large furry creature was spotted carrying a large shiny metal looking object.
Closer examination through a pair of binoculars revealed a trombone. One scholar...