NO UNTRUTH UNTOLD ™

SCANDAL

ANEWS conference was unexpectedly called by a prominent brass instructor to further address allegations that he tweeted a photo to young adult women on campus using social media.  

In the press conference on the University steps, a solemn-faced trumpet professor came before the crowd to explain himself. Previously, he had said the photo may or may not be his, further claiming that his Twitter account had been hacked and the photo was sent without his permission. He alleged that it was merely a prank, suspecting it was a music ed student he gave a low grade to in a brass methods class.  

At the press conference, the trusted academic finally came clean and accepted full responsibility for his action.  

“Yes, I admit it, I tweeted a photo to a woman. My account was not hacked, it was done by my own actions. No one else is to blame.”  

A reporter from the audience asked after the buzz died down, “Were those actual pictures of your, you know, your, your…?”  

After a brief pause, he answered in the affirmative that he was the photographer of the photos that appeared on Twitter and the center focus of this scandal.  

When asked by one reporter if the professor was offering his resignation, he replied, “Allow me to explain this in a way so you can understand. I got tenure. A nice big office with cool furniture, high-speed internet, a decent budget, graduate assistants to teach my classes, a ten-hour flex-time work week, summers off and a paid sabbatical where I travel around Europe with no accountability or purpose. Resign? Are you freakin’ nuts!”  

The trumpet professor’s wife wasn’t available for comment and remained in an undisclosed location to shield her from embarrassment.  

A spokeswoman for the college said, “I know I’m going to sound biased defending the University, but these kinds of photos are all over the Internet and easy to come by. I don’t see why these megapixels have resulted in mega-trouble for this professor.”  

A young co-ed at the college, speaking confidentially out of fear of losing her scholarship and keys to the professor’s practice studio, said that the photo couldn’t have been from anyone else.  

“I’ve studied with him for three years now, including the summers when we have been alone the most, and I can tell you I am 100 percent positive that photo belonged to the trumpet professor. I would have had no trouble selecting it from a lineup, if it came to that.”  

She added, “Anyone who has spent time around him and gotten an intimate look would know it without a doubt. It has a marking on it too.”  

She continued, “He told me in confidence that his own wife didn’t show much interest and I doubt she would have been able to believe the photos belonged to him because she wasn’t that familiar. She just didn’t have as much of an interest in it as I have, which made it all the more charming. It’s that marking that really aroused my curiosity.”  

Many times when they were alone, she would stare at the marking, she said. She had asked him about the so-called marking but he was unable to explain it, often saying, “That’s just the way it is. It’s always been that way. Look at it all you want,” and then he would quickly put it away before the next student came in.  

After constant questioning she finally revealed a more explicit and graphic detail of the photo and the curious marking she was so enthralled with.  

Brass Informant has been able to obtain the Tweeted photo, which has been removed from the Twitter account. We present it to you in all its glory.

An excited co-ed pointed to the photo saying, “That’s it! The double stamped ‘L’ marking on the trumpet bell. I would know it anywhere!”  

The Dean added, “We want to be known as a place of higher learning where parents can feel safe sending their children to study. I don’t want to contribute anymore to this – this horn porn – any further!”  

The chair of the brass department said he and the rest of the faculty are hoping they can put this incident behind them.  

“Yes, we’re all looking forward to getting past this,” said a campus police officer as he slapped another parking ticket on the windshield of the news van.  

Before sending your photo – know your stuff.  

Before sending your photo – know how to make it right.  

Before sending your photo – consider making it kind of blue.  

EXCLUSIVE

ALEAD TRUMPETER who toured with well-known bands throughout the United States and Europe has decided to apologize to thousands of women in a new book. It wasn’t the usual tell-all book a major book publisher was expecting. He said, “I know, it’s a shame. I slept with as many women as I possibly could while on the road with the groups.”  

“It’s full of regrets,” said a spokeswoman on behalf of the publisher.  

Being a sex icon of the horn section, this can happen quite easily, the player said.  

“I became a vegetarian, practiced yoga, even gave up laughing for a bit, but nothing toned down the interest and the groupies were everywhere,” said the high-note man.  

Having so much sex – sometimes bedding as many as three women a day – is commonly believed to have been merely a substitute for a mother’s love, said a noted psychologist.  

“Oh, that wasn’t the case at all. I was totally in it for the chicks and the high notes. But mostly the chicks,” said the player.  

Clearly a case of shallow mouthpieces and shallow morals was the affliction of this lad.  

Using his seductive powers of high notes, along with a relaxed sound and intense vibrato, he bedded countless women along the journey in town after town. Turning on the exciting charm of his horn night after night, it was not unlike a siren drawing women to him.  

“When I returned to my dressing room after the show, they were waiting for me. There was no escaping them, but I want everyone to know I accept full responsibility,” he said.  

In a back-of-an-envelope calculation, he estimates he slept with roughly 3,000 women.  

“It’s a shame, and I will work to live with no regrets, except this one. To women everywhere…” he said as a small tear began to stream from the corner of his eye, “I’m deeply sorry that I wasn’t able to get to all of you.”  

Adding, “Gimme a break, I’m only one man!”  

All you need - to do is go to the source.  

All you need - to do is set the right mood.  

All you need – is love.  

SHOCKING

ATROMBONE major recently decided that after investing countless hours on Facebook playing Farmville, he wanted something to show for all his efforts. He switched from being a trombone music major to majoring in Farmville, a new field of study offered by the college.  

“I’ve even dropped my minor in math so I could focus exclusively on my new major,” the university student said cheerfully.  

He related a tiny bit of family history which could explain his impulsive change in careers.  

Years ago, his father was searching for the best auto insurance rates. He spent so much time reading policies, talking with insurance agents, watching TV ads and studying online articles that, after selecting the holy grail of policies, he concluded he needed to account for all this wasted time. So dear old Dad declared to the family one night over dinner, “I’ve invested so much in learning about this insurance stuff, I might as well sell this crap!” and he quit his job as a gondolier to become an insurance agent for a company with an annoying iconic talking mascot. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to making sudden drastic changes in a person’s choice of a livelihood.  

A college Dean stated that this was the sign of times to come in University programs.  

“After a vote at a local pub with most of the faculty on hand, it was officially decided to remove some of the less-popular courses from the curriculum in favor of those with more popular themes among young people such as Farmville,” said the Dean as he adjusted his tweed jacket and pipe.  

A professor, resting comfortable in his office wearing slippers, added, “We decided to make way for a Farmville major by reducing clutter in the program like math courses and physics. I mean, physics with the whole Big Bang Theory and all that, it’s been talked about to death and no one wants hear about it anymore. We are just so over talking about the Big Bang Theory. And it was so long ago, today’s student body simply can’t relate to it.” As for most of the history courses, the consensus among the group was that they are yesterday’s news and often don’t have a happy ending.  

“We have to consider the attention span of most students as we compete with movies and reality TV shows,” said the jazz professor, who suddenly began some exotic hand-clapping rhythm as he became totally distracted watching the cheerleaders rehearse outside his office window.  

When the reality sets in of the apparent uselessness of spending hours acquiring a skill for which society has no purpose – coupled with insurmountable student loans – the question becomes: how can a college degree in Farmville be used to earn a living?  

The college Dean is quick to answer, “That’s simple. A graduate with a degree in Farmville can get a job teaching!”  

When asked what college courses it qualifies one to teach, he said, “A wide selection of them: Introduction to Farmville, Intermediate Farmville, Independent Farmville Field Study, and Advanced Agricultural Methods of Farmville. Someone has to educate the over 45 million monthly active users of Farmville.”  

“See?” quite confidently said the former trombone major.  

Save – on modern tuition costs.  

Save – your ducats.  

Save – yourself by paying your dues now.  

Bugged by Farmville? Go to the wall with your comments.